Three RTS Games to Play Before You Die

Here at the BS production house, we like us some war games. Really like us some war games. Many a precious hour have been wasted fighting one another on the digital battlefield. While we do enjoy several fine first person shooters, our heart will forever belong to those mystical real time strategy games.  So after much debate and without any remorse, we present to our readers…

 

3 RTS Games to Play Before You Die

3) Starcraft

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The original did it best, plain and simple. There is a reason this is still played in tournaments around the world. To the uninitiated, Starcraft’s campaign throws them into a story involving three warring factions. All three campaign’s allow the player to try each faction and find the one that appeals to them, whether it be the Imperialistic Terran,  the Noble Protoss or the Evil Zerg regime. Each has its own weakness’ and strengths and offers a well balanced system. This is a interstellar delight that should appeal to solo players for it’s story and multiplayers for it’s competitive play. A fantastic game and a great example of real time strategy done right.

2) Command and Conquer: Generals-Zero Hour

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The expansion to C&C: Generals, this game shined in the shadow of it’s predecessor. Keeping with RTS tradition, the player can chose between the technologically superior USA, the mighty multitudes of China or the ruthless and terroristic GLA. Each campaign does a good job of making you sympathize with a faction and see each one’s strength. The general’s challenge is a personal favorite, forcing you to take on a nine specialists of each faction.  This is easily the game we have logged the most hours on. The ability to have 8 players at once, makes this a LAN party favorite.

1) Conquest: Frontier Wars

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Here she is, the creme de le creme of real time strategy games. This game has the most insane AI, the hardest difficulty and the most variety amongst it’s factions. Again with the 3 factions, other than what it said in game via the Terran campaign, little is really fleshed out. The Mantis are a insectoid race devouring worlds in their hive like structure and the Celareons are beings of pure energy, with far superior technology and defensive structures. Learning each style of play through the multiplayer option against computer controlled enemies forces you to learn quickly. A steep difficulty level makes this one of the most fun examples of co-op play available and with just the right amount of lore, allows the players to use their imagination. Never a commercial success, this game’s sequel was cancelled, but was supposed to introduce a fourth race, the lizard like Vyrium who would function much differently than the other three. This game is beyond well done and any fan of strategy games should certainly enjoy time spent with it.

Cody Jemes is the Literary Engineer behind both the Rank This and the Articulations sections @Bored Shenanigans. Stay tuned weekly for new articles, new pod-casts and all kinds of free funny. Fill your need for sports at Texas Fandom or fill that poetry void at Abuse Through Poetry.

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Failed Potential Movie Sequels Part 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Bored Shenanigans’ Rank This! This time we list out those movies that were really disappointing even though they were filled with so much potential. These films still hurt us a little on the inside years later. Enjoy part one, and stay tuned for part two next week.

30-Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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It has been well documented on what a boner killer this film is. It rendered all fans of Indy’s return quite flaccid. Some head scratching scenes involving gophers, monkeys, refrigerators and poorly conceived Soviets and aliens all stacked up for a forgettable finish to a proud franchise.

29-Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows

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Remember all those shaky camera shots and intense point of view moments from the first film? Remember how it felt so personal and realistic in comparison to everything else that was out at the time? So in the sequel what if the went as far away from that low-budget edgy style and made it into a generic horror film? You have number 29 on our list.

28-Jurassic Park 3

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Fail. How do you fuck up a dinosaur movie? Just put them somewhere and focus on the interesting dinosaurs not the lame ass human drama. This was their chance to redeem themselves after that abysmal Lost World flick. Fail.

27-Lost Boys: The Tribe

This movie sure missed the mark. Everyone likes The Lost Boys and no one liked its sequel. It lacked the fun or adventure of its predecessor and left us feeling empty will with two dried up Coreys.

26-Ghost Busters 2

Okay, Viggo was a pretty kick ass part of this movie. He was a much more interesting villain than Gozer. Then you factor in little Oscar, mood slime, and just a ho hum experience. They had so much to work with and all we got was, meh.

25-Grease 2

Let’s flip the male and female characters changing themselves and swap cars for motorcycles. Other than a funny song about reproduction, this film wasted what could have been another iconic movie.

24-Resident Evil sequels/Silent Hill sequels

I am cheating here a little bit, but this is my list. The original film of these perspective franchises were pretty awesome. Both took their particular worlds and made them frightening. Then the sequels started. They both have steadily declined to the point of almost unbearable.

23-X Men 3: The Last Stand

Enough with the goddamn Wolverine. We get it, he is a bad-ass with claws. This should have been the movie that made the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants shine and allowed the audience to sympathize with their plight. Instead we get to plod through a poorly drawn out Phoenix story.

22-Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

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This could have been such a insanely perfect string of sequels. The first one was incredible, the second one surpassed it, and the third tried its damnedest to recreate the T-1000 and give him tits. John Conner sucks in this movie. At least Salvation wasn’t too bad.

21-Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie)

Rob Zombie has proven to be one of the more interesting horror directors. His revision of the first Halloween movie was really enjoyable and demonstrated the range of his cast. It’s sequel fell flat in comparison. It was most certainly a disappointment.

20-The Never Ending Story Part 2

This story should have ended. What the hell was going on in this movie? This had such a convoluted plot with even more characters to develop. I am too confused by this movie to elaborate on it any more.

19- D2: Mighty Ducks

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So after a group of rambunctious and rowdy kids learn about teamwork and their coach learns about personal responsibility, in the off season they forget to practice. So what do we do? Learn it all again. Rehashed and lame ass hell, this sequel relied on the tried and true team USA patriotism shtick to manipulate the audience into feeling warm and fuzzy.

18-Back to the Future 2 & 3

Get your hate mail ready folks. I think this film fell pretty far from its predecessor. Two wasn’t terrible and three was almost unwatchable, but with a premise like time travel, I couldn’t develop a taste for the film’s tone. Going for a more campy than thoughtful method, these two seemed to waste Christopher Lloyd as a fantastic mad scientist.

17-Return to House of Haunted Hill

The bar wasn’t set particularly high by the remake of the original, but they certainly had their heart in the right place. Using the name ‘Price’ to honor Vincent Price is a nice touch, but the strange choice to use an idol as the motivation for the things that happened, focusing on gangsters and side characters made the audience scratch their head.

16-S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale

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In a way, this movie never needed a sequel. In another way, there was so much lore to the world, it almost begged for one.  This film added absolutely nothing and wasted everyone’s time. With such an over abundance of material to work with and such an intensely loyal fan base, how could you so frivolously fuck this up? Pure and utter wastrel.

Cody Jemes is the Literary Engineer behind both the Rank This and the Articulations sections @Bored Shenanigans. Stay tuned weekly for new articles, new pod-casts and all kinds of free funny. Fill your need for sports at Texas Fandom or fill that poetry void at Abuse Through Poetry.

BS To Go 003: Going For Broke

The wait is over America, Brent returns with Cody as they philosophize over porn, pro athletes pay checks, and a the state of our demographic. So roll up your sleeves and enjoy a hearty helping of BS to go!

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New Year’s Resolve

New Year is a time of new beginnings and half ass’d promises to yourself. Those vices you intend to release into the great abyss of time and space, those torrid little corruptions we hold onto despite our best intentions. This is the year when we customarily let those fallacies flutter away and try to better ourselves. That in and of itself is a grand old tradition, yet the often forgotten and for granted part of such is to actually change. A change is a difficult thing, it is a re-manipulation of habits and reliable old actions. Change can present either the height of terror or the oasis of hope to all whom pass upon that roadway.  The most prevalent part of any change is to actually change, not to just jostle up things to settle back into familiar old routines. Fucking alter whatever you intended to revise and move forward with it. Take it, embrace it, and conquer the goddamn thing, do not allow the lack of change to conquer you. It is imperative that you actually follow through, sift through the trifle of excuses and emerge victorious. Whatever your goal was, attain that. Change your job, change your waist line, change your religion, hell change your abilities, just do the work and win.  That is your humble writer’s goal this New Year, to follow through and stand triumphant atop my flaws.

Cody Jemes  is the head writer of the Bored Shenanigans Articulations. Need more of him and don’t know where to look? Check out his articles on the Dallas Mavericks at  Texas Fandom, leave snarky comments on his  poetry blog or if tired of reading? Listen to the podcast he co -hosts.  

Urgent News

We are witnessing the increasing impacts of  Cody no longer being a host of Bored Shenanigans. In this last few weeks alone our country experienced record-breaking heat, droughts, and hurricanes, which impacted hundreds of thousands of people and cost our country hundreds of billions of dollars. Experts agree that his ousting by the megalomaniac Reverend caused undue duress upon the very nature of our planet. The scientific consensus is clear and overwhelming; we cannot have a Bored Shenanigans podcast with just Brewer hosting it. The planet will suffer undue travesty for several thousand years.

As public pressure to confront this change builds, we call on the good people of Podcastlandia and those former enemies of Podcastia to immediately freeze any new dictatorial decisions made by the all too powerful editor and to re-invoke what was obviously his  wisest decision, co-hosting with Cody. We believe such action on behalf of The collective podcast galaxy will not only be a sound decision for our world’s entertainment, but also for the well being of its current and future listeners, who deserve the opportunity to enjoy a Bored Shenanigans the way it was meant to be and to have a world not mired with chaos.

For the good of our listeners, fans, friends, loved ones and our nation, and to preserve the quality of life for this and future generations worldwide, we call upon you to join a growing movement around the universe that is committed to preventing extreme and unwarranted decisions being reached by Reverend Brewer and to return Bored Shenanigans back to its true and unaltered form.

Signed,

Ambassador Grainger, (specialist in Podcastia/Podcastopia relations)

Ball and Chain

Obscene and copious amounts of freedom. The kind of liberty that you need floaty water wings for. That is the level of independence that should be most advocated, yet is the most feared. In a time where there are laws atop rules atop regulations, is it really prudent to advocate for more? The human animal as it were, fears a land without its cage. The restrictions that we fight the hardest for are the ones that we need to control ourselves. Without a leash, we do not know how to self govern. If we had any sense of how to modulate our own actions, then we certainly wouldn’t require another bloated law. I know that you are thinking to yourself, “That will be total anarchy, bedlam will run rampant in the streets, we will be neck-deep in chaos.” My only response, is highly doubtful. I am not advocating the instant banishment of all laws, as a society we need such structure to maintain some order, but that is at a societal level. What I am saying is we, as people, see our biggest fears and internal monsters in the laws we create. Pro-lifers fight abortion because they would do it if their religious climate allowed it. Anti-gun proponents push for tight gun laws because they feel they would hurt someone with it. Anti-discrimination legislation are most likely passed by someone who has prejudices they do not want to admit. Same with every other law under the sun, it wasn’t passed to protect anyone it was passed so there was a wall to keep proletariat held in. This isn’t meant as a condemnation of such, but merely an observation. So maybe, just maybe the next time you feel impassioned to adjust the amount of freedom that is in the world, think if it is needed as a whole or just needed for you.

Cody Jemes  is the head writer of the Bored Shenanigans Articulations. Need more of him and don’t know where to look? Check out his articles on the Dallas Mavericks at  Texas Fandom, leave snarky comments on his  poetry blog or if tired of reading listen to the podcast he co -hosts.